Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) with children on a family retreat at Plum Village
(Photo courtesy of Catherine Ames)
Lesson 1: We are all Buddha
Last year we had toyed with the idea of going to Plum Village for our summer holidays but decided that it wasn’t really for a family like us. We probably weren’t Buddhist enough. But this year, we put our doubts aside and decided to go for it. We had had a week of high-octane family camping, water slides and endless ice creams before we arrived at Plum Village, so we were slightly nervous about how the kids would respond to being told to honour the silence during dinner time that was being served when we arrived.
To be honest, Lyndon and I were filled with dread too. It had seemed such a good idea to spend a week of our precious summer holidays getting up at 5.30am to meditate but now it was about to be our reality we were feeling slightly panicked and like we needed our holiday 6pm G&T to take the edge off.
But our fears melted when we got there. It was the way that the nuns’ faces shone when they spoke to the girls, the way they addressed them with pure reverence and love, that made me think they probably weren’t going to make disapproving tuts when my two decided to make comedy fart noises during silence. Their welcoming attitude to the girls made me remember the Buddha-nature of all children – however they are behaving.
Lesson 2: We are all inter-connected
The first evening went off without much drama. We got our trailer tent up and started to orientate ourselves. We were staying in New Hamlet, the hamlet where the nuns stay and where families with smaller children and young girls come for retreat so there was a real feminine energy. By nature, I like to know how the land lies, so it was slightly frustrating that we weren’t given a list of instructions and ‘house rules’ to follow and it all appeared pretty chaotic. But as the week worn on I realised that beauty of not being told what to do at what time. Rather, the community provides the regular rhythm to the day – like the in and out breath – and you learn by doing – like mindfulness.
The second day was a rollercoaster. We had been struggling to keep any sense of control over the children all holiday so we were pretty frazzled with the boundaries constantly being tested. Lyndon and I were still grappling with shifting our identity to being a family that comes on retreat – we were in a field of families we hadn’t yet properly met and we felt rather exposed.
Possibly the children could sense this – who knows – but they were dismantling the boundaries quicker then we could put them back up. There was a storm brewing – we were at sea without a compass – how were we going to quell this storm in full view of these lovely peaceful Buddhist families? Rather than put on protective clothing and weather the storm, we unskilfully tried to keep the storm at bay. So we bundled the kids into our trailer tent and tried to contain the storm in our own private space. A private space made out of canvas that seems to amplify every harsh word and hissed command.
What was I thinking that we could do this? Who was I kidding that we’d have the ability to be one of them? I just wanted to pack up and run. I walked passed a group of parents chatting who stopped me and engaged me in conversation. Rather than judgement and condemnation, they started to tell me of the first time they came to Plum Village. One woman spoke of how her then eight-year-old boy was running around the camp shouting ‘I’m going to kill every last one of you’ to the nuns during evening silence, another told of the tension that always brews up between her and her daughter when they arrive. And slowly as they subtly soothed balm on my worries I started to feel ok again, like we can do this, like we might be slightly like them, like we might belong. We decided to stay to give it go.
Lesson 3: The whole is more than the sum of its parts
This was a powerful lesson in how a sangha can provide support, strength and comfort. Why do we feel we have to do things on our own, in our small family unit? Being at the retreat gave me a sense of what it must have been like living in a close-knitted community with trusted extended family and community members looking out for your children and helping to bring them up.
The hamlet consists of a large house where the nuns live and where the food is cooked. During our week there were about 65 families either staying at the house, camping in the gardens or staying off-site and coming in daily. We were introduced to our dharma family – a group of about 10 families – who would be our smaller community for the week. Quickly we got into the rhythm of the retreat. 5.30am physical exercise, 6.30am meditation, 7am communal silent breakfast, 12.30pm communal lunch, 6pm evening meal interspersed with dharma work (washing up, picking and prepping vegetables for tea, looking after the tea station) with our dharma families.
There was no pressure to join in with everything. There was an implicit understanding that children’s needs come first along with family needs – as always with Buddhism, there is no should just if it works for you. Throughout the week there were three talks by Thay – one in each hamlet – that the other hamlets decamped to for the day by coach. One day was a lazy day and the other three days various talks and sharing took place at our own camp. The Children’s programme, run by the nuns, was offered every time there was an adult activity.
Lesson 4: Living mindfully provides nourishment and depth to life
Each evening meal we would eat with our dharma family and catch up on news and discuss the schedule for the next day. We started to appreciate the offering of the bell before the start of the meal and the 15 minutes silent eating before we chatted. The food tasted more delicious and I was more aware of the work and effort it had taken to get the food onto my plate. The girls enjoyed serving up their own food, clearing away their own plates and being quiet (sometimes!).
The most valuable and nourishing time for me was Dharma share which took place after dinner. The kids would run off to play or go to the Children’s programme and the adults would re-convene in their dharma families to share what was in their hearts. This was a sacred space where no one felt they had to find solutions or fix things, it was just honouring the experience of each other by deep listening and a bow. This simple practice left me feeling connected, hopeful and full of gratitude for life.
Throughout the retreat the nuns would offer the bell (sound a bell) periodically. This was a reminder to stop what you were doing and come back to your breath. It was probably the most profound lesson in mindfulness I have ever had. Rather than finding peace in myself at a yoga class – quiet and serene - like I would do at home, I was invited to find my breath and become mindful as I was running across the field to get the children to do their teeth or trying to convince them to have more vegetables on their plate. It was teaching me how to be mindful in the messiness of life. It was powerful to see everyone in the community stop at the same time for a few breathes, especially the children.
Lesson 5: We all suffer
One of the highlights of the retreat was my first Dharma talk with Thay at the Upper Hamlet. He was talking about the art of suffering leading to the art of happiness. His face was radiating love, peace and acceptance – so young and alive for his 88 years – a testimony to mindful living. He told us that the monastics would chant to us as he offered the bell and that they were singing about their suffering, how they had cared for their suffering to find peace and how they saw the suffering in us and wished peace for us too. Throughout the chanting, Thay slowly raised his hand into a lotus flower and let it go. It was deeply moving and cathartic; many people were wiping away the tears.
Throughout the retreat, with every shared meal, with every mindful moment, with every Dharma share, the lessons of the Buddha sunk deeper and deeper. On one walking meditation, I started to notice the leaves on the trees rustling – laughing – and for that moment it was just me and the leaves laughing together. Thay’s teaching that I had heard the day before on inter-being – that we are all connected with each other and with nature – made sense to me in that moment. The experience of the retreat is the embodiment of the teachings.
Lesson 6: You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to show up
Towards the end of the week, we were offered the chance to take The Five Mindfulness Trainings which represent the Buddhist vision for a global spirituality and ethic: Reverence for Life, True Happiness, True Love, Loving Speech and Deep Listening and Nourishment and Healing. As the Sister read out the trainings and asked us to share our intent to live by them, I felt I had come home. I have spent many years looking for a spiritual tradition that fits and I finally feel I had found it. It feels like I had found a safety net, the North Star to provide guidance to me and my family on this messy journey together. I loved the emphasis in the ceremony that we were intending to try to live by these trainings, not that we would 100%. It reminded me again of the forgiving nature of the Buddha. The girls also took the children’s Two Promises version.
Now we are home we have brought much of this practice back into family life. We offer the bell before meal times and have three breathes before eating, we have weekly family meetings, Lyndon and I often have Dharma shares and try to sit for at least 10 minutes every day. We have out a little shrine in our bedroom with our Dharma paraphernalia that reminds us of our intent. We find it transforms family life. It is still noisy, messy, chaotic and uncontrollable but we do it all with mindfulness and compassion. We understand that happiness is in the journey. We strive to take care of everyone’s feelings and honour the Buddha in us all.
We plan to go back to Plum Village next year. We want to feel that deep connection and sense of belonging again. I think the Dharma Primary School can foster a deeper sense of community by embedding some of the practices from Plum Village. It would be great if some of you could come along next year to make that happen.
Caitlyn’s daughter by The Lotus Pond at Plum Village
Caitlyn runs a Conscious Parenting Group at the Dharma Primary School. Details of the next meeting will appear on our News & Events page in due course.
